Beauty For Ashes
by Crinklybrownleaves
Summary: This fic covers some scenes I would have liked to have happened, but that we didn't see in the show. They are all set after Mei Lin's arrival. There were times when Lucien nearly went to speak to Jean, but changed his mind. In these chapters, they actually do speak to each other! I've tried to stay canon compliant, but maybe not totally succeeded. Let me know what you think.
1. Chapter 1

**This first chapter is set during the second night Mei Lin spends at Blake's house, so shortly after the dinner party that Alice came to, in S4E4.**

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"Keep true. Never be ashamed of doing right. Decide what you think is right and stick to it."

― George Eliot

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Jean closed her bedroom door with a sense of huge relief. After probably the second hardest day of her life, she wanted some peace, and some time when she didn't have to pretend everything was normal. It most definitely was not. Not since the news of Christopher's death had she felt so broken.

But she had got through the whole day without crying in front of Mei Lin or Lucien, and had even survived that dreadful dinner party. She was actually grateful for Alice's tendency to talk constantly about work; really Alice and Charlie had made it bearable, just.

Now, she wanted to sleep. To sleep forever if that were possible, and if it wasn't, then at least until morning. She'd barely closed her eyes the night before, constantly reliving the awful realisation that Lucien was married and everything she had hoped for was over.

She changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed, hugging the hot water bottle to her front. It wasn't a cold night but she was shivering. As soon as she closed her eyes the images started in her mind.

For the last few weeks, even months, she had fallen asleep with pictures in her mind of a shared future with Lucien.

She had allowed herself to dream a little, to imagine what it might be like to wake up together, to walk hand in hand, to hold him.

Now these thoughts were replaced with images of Lucien's expression when he saw his wife, with Mei Lin's face when she looked at Jean with suspicion, and with the glances of pity that Charlie and Alice gave her.

Jean opened her eyes again and listened to the sounds of the rest of the household getting ready for bed. Mei Lin had turned in some time ago. Charlie had gone to his room when Jean went to bed. But she could still hear Lucien walking around his study.

Jean wondered where he was going to sleep tonight. Would he share his bed with Mei Lin? He probably had no choice. Jean recoiled at the idea. She realised with a jolt that she hadn't even. thought about where he had slept the night before, when Mei Lin arrived so late. Had he slept beside her then?

Finally she heard him walking upstairs, heading for the bathroom. But on his way back he paused, and she knew he was outside her door. Without thinking of the consequences, Jean swung her legs out of bed and moved to the door, quietly opening it a crack. She met Lucien's eyes in the dim light on the landing, and for a moment they just looked at each other frankly, with no pretence.

Jean found that her hand was on his forearm, and she was drawing him into her room. He moved with her, and they sat side by side on the edge of her bed, still in darkness and silence. He put his arm around her waist, letting his hand rest on her hip. To Jean the gesture felt so familiar; in the last few weeks this had become usual between them. But now his hand burned into her.

She could smell whisky on his breath as he leaned towards her. "I'm so sorry, Jean," he said quietly, whispering it virtually into her ear. She nodded but did not reply.

She was torn between wanting him to hold her like this, and knowing she ought to move away. Mei Lin was downstairs and they somehow had to accept that they could not be together. He would have to go back to his wife. Jean shifted restlessly and he took his hand away, using it to hold her hand instead.

"I don't want her, Jean. I want you. I want to marry you."

"I know," she replied, her voice so quiet he had to bend closer to hear her. "But she's your wife." At the end of this her voice broke into a sob, and she turned away, unwilling to let him see her cry. He put both arms around her and this time she did not move away.

For several minutes he held her quietly as she fought for self control. Then he kissed her gently on the cheek, tasting the salt on her skin from her tears.

"We'll find a way," he said, with more confidence than he felt.

"No, we have no choice, Lucien. It's over," she replied. She stood then and opened the door, hoping he would leave before she changed her mind.

"I..." But then he sighed. He would try again to convince her, but not now, not while they both needed to sleep. He was exhausted but could not share a bed with his wife. He stood up wearily.

She must have read his mind. "You could sleep in Mattie's old room," she said. "If you don't want to..." She couldn't say the words 'sleep with Mei Lin'. He suddenly realised that she thought he had done just that yesterday.

"I slept in the chair in my study last night," he said, looking Jean in the eye. She nodded. "Goodnight, Lucien."

"Goodnight, Jean," he murmured, and she closed the door.

She lay down on the bed again and waited for sleep, for oblivion.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is set on the night after chapter one, shortly after Mei Lin moves to the hotel.**

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"What other people may think of the rightness or wrongness is nothing in comparison to my own deep knowledge, my innate conviction that it was wrong."

― Elizabeth Gaskell, North and South

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She wasn't surprised to hear the tap on her door once the house was quiet. She slid out of bed and opened the door to him, standing aside so he could come in. Jean noticed him looking at her surreptitiously, and realised he rarely saw her in just her pyjamas, with no dressing gown.

Suddenly embarrassed, she sat on the end of the bed and motioned for him to join her.

"She's gone," he said.

"What do you mean? Is she coming back?" Jean was hopeful for a moment that maybe Mei Lin had gone for good.

"She's at the Soldiers Hill hotel. She...knows about us."

"Did you tell her?" Jean asked nervously.

"I didn't have to," he replied.

Jean sighed. "Was she angry? Perhaps it would be better if I left."

"No, Jean. Don't go, don't leave me please. And she wasn't angry; maybe...disappointed. I feel like I hardly know her any more, Jean. I don't know what she expected."

Jean said nothing. She didn't want to go, but it seemed wrong for Mei Lin to leave and for her to stay at home with Lucien. And surely once they had repaired their marriage, Lucien and Mei Lin would not want her around, in fact would not need a housekeeper at all. Maybe she should look for a new job in readiness.

"You need to get to know her again," she said. She forced the words out; in her heart she knew this was right, but it felt terrible.

Lucien was becoming frustrated with this. He didn't want Mei Lin, he wanted Jean. But Jean seemed determined to push him back towards his wife.

"Would you have said yes?" he asked. The question didn't follow on from what she had said about Mei Lin, and for a moment she wondered what he meant.

"Of course I would," she whispered. "Surely you know that. But it doesn't matter now." Except that it did, of course, to her at least. And this was the whole reason why she knew she would not leave until she had to. Her resolve of a few moments before, to move on, had melted away already.

"It does to me," Lucien replied and lifted her chin with his fingertips, tempted to kiss her. He realised she probably wouldn't welcome that now, but she could read the thought in his eyes anyway, and she looked away.

"I intend to give you the ring back one day," he said.

"I think you had better go," Jean said, still keeping her eyes on the floor.

"Goodnight, Jean," he murmured, and this time she did not reply. After a moment he stood up and left.

Jean climbed back into bed in despondent mood. It all seemed more hopeless than ever. Why did doing the right thing feel so wrong?


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter is set during the evening following the end of S4E5 - "She's your priority now."**

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No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace

As I have seen in one autumnal face.

John Donne, The Autumnal

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Jean sat in front of her dressing table mirror, taking off her make up. She knew she looked tired, and she closed her eyes for a moment, covering her face with her hands. There was no point in getting into bed. She turned out the light and waited in the gloom.

She knew Lucien would knock on her door soon; they had unfinished business.

Their conversation in the kitchen earlier had unsettled her. She hadn't expected his halting, badly expressed assurances that nothing had changed. Of course things had changed. Everything had changed. She knew he had meant his feelings for her had not changed, but what did feelings matter now?

She was trying to ignore her own feelings for Lucien, sure that she was taking the right course of action by steering him back towards Mei Lin. And if she could do that, well, so could he.

She glanced up as his shadow moved past her door on the way to the bathroom. She opened the door and left it ajar for him, letting in some more light from the landing.

As Lucien went to tap on the door, it fell open and he saw her standing at the window, looking out into the dark garden. She didn't turn round when he approached, so he touched her on the waist, running his hand down to her hip and drawing her back against him.

She leaned back into him but still did not speak.

"Jean?" He wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder gently.

"She's your wife, Lucien. You made promises to her and now you need to keep them." Her voice was quiet but firm.

"I made promises to you too, Jean, in Adelaide. I don't love Mei Lin any more, or at least, not in the same way. I just don't." He kissed her hair and she didn't pull away.

She was struggling to keep some distance between them, and she didn't dare turn round because she knew she would want to kiss him.

"You need to keep trying though, Lucien. You have a chance to have your family back. You and Mei Lin and Li. Don't you want that?" A little bit of Jean envied him the chance.

"You're my family now too."

He looked at her dim reflection in the glass window in front of them, and thought she had never seemed so lovely. Her hair was loose and the curls were free around her neck. Even the faint lines on her face were lovely.

She was like a flower fully opened, with petals slightly wild now, past its best moment but still beautiful. The life she had led showed on her face.

Their eyes met in the reflection and after a moment she closed her eyes, trying to shut him out.

"You should go now," she murmured.

A nod, and "Yes, goodnight, Jean."

He was closing the door behind him before he heard her reply, whispered. "Goodnight, Lucien."

She fell asleep that night with the feeling of his breath in her hair still fresh in her mind.


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is set soon after S4E6.**

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"I shall do one thing in this life - one thing certain - that is, love you, and long for you, and keep wanting you till I die."

― Thomas Hardy, Far from the Madding Crowd

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Jean was far from happy to hear Lucien tap on her door that evening, yet there was still a sliver of excitement inside her. She put on her dressing gown and tied it firmly at the waist.

After telling him he should be keeping his distance from her, she had thought he would do just that. It had cost her dearly to push his hand away from her, and she thought he had understood. Yet now he was wanting to see her, in her bedroom, just a few hours later. She sighed in frustration.

But when she opened the door to him, the excitement that had leapt in her turned to pleasure at seeing him again. He looked as though he had been drinking, but that was nothing new to her.

However, he usually looked well-dressed, even at home, and tonight he certainly did not. His waistcoat was creased and undone, hanging loosely open, and his shirt sleeves were rolled up. His collar was unbuttoned and his tie was loosened, the knot at a rakish angle. His hair stood up at the front and was curling deliciously at the ends.

Still standing in the doorway, she let her eyes take all this in before they settled on his face. She decided she rather liked the rumpled look. Was that a trace of a smile on his face? Jean firmly pushed aside the whisper of desire that she felt and cleared her throat nervously.

"Yes?" she said, rather abruptly.

"May I come in?" Lucien asked. He was rather surprised she hadn't let him in already, especially as he had noticed the look in her eyes when she saw him.

"I think you'd better not," she replied quietly. "I meant what I said, Lucien. It's not fair on either me or Mei Lin for you to be so familiar with us both. You can't have us both, it's just not possible."

His smile faded. He thought she had been talking about not touching her, but it seemed she meant more than that. It felt to him as though she were slipping away from him, as if she wanted their relationship to become cool and formal. Yet that look he had just seen gave him some hope. Perhaps she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

He took half a step back from her. "I don't know what to do, Jean. I can't send her back to China, can I? But I can't live with her again either. And I want to be with you, to marry you if I can, but how can I do that when I'm married to Mei Lin?"

He could see unshed tears in her eyes, and she looked away uncomfortably. As he continued to talk, her eyes settled on his hands and arms, and she realised she was being drawn in again by how much she wanted him.

"Jean? Do you know what we should do?" He looked at her with those eyes she found hard to resist, but she was irritated that he wanted her to decide for him.

"Lucien, you have to decide. But we cannot go on like this for much longer. And whatever you decide must be done properly. I won't ..." she hesitated to say the words out loud, "I won't be your mistress."

She wanted to tell him she loved him, and that she always would, but he needed to say it first, and he didn't.

"I wouldn't expect you to," he replied softly, and he reached out to touch her cheek, then remembered and pulled his hand away. He let his gaze fall to where her silky pyjamas touched and moved against her neck, and thought how ridiculous it was that he had even considered giving her up.

He didn't know how he would manage it, but he would have to find a way to separate from Mei Lin without condemning her to a life she didn't deserve.

Jean shifted slightly from one leg to the other, and he could tell she wanted him to go.

"Goodnight, Jean," he said.

"Goodnight," she responded, but she didn't close the door until he was walking down the stairs.


	5. Chapter 5

**This final chapter is set after S4E7. Thank you for all the reviews!**

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To all who mourn ...

he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,

joy instead of mourning,

festive praise instead of despair.

Isaiah 61:3

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"...I promise you this, I promise you, I will make it right." His anger at Derek made his voice very low and determined, and when he hugged her she only hesitated for a moment.

It was only two days since she had told him he couldn't keep on holding her and kissing her, that he wasn't being fair either to Mei Lin or to her. But how she had missed this, and she wasn't going to push him away now, not now he had made his choice.

They had all been manipulated by Alderton, and that knowledge made it easier for Jean to cope now with Mei Lin's return. The problem of Mei Lin's marriage to Lucien hadn't gone away, of course, but at least Jean knew they would find a way through it together.

So she hugged him back, pressing herself tightly against him and holding on even when he started to move away.

At last she pulled away and asked, "So what are we going to do about Derek Alderton?"

Still holding Jean, but more loosely now, he looked at her thoughtfully. "We?"

"Mmm, what's the plan?"

"I'm not putting you in danger, Jean. Alderton's volatile and dangerous, and I don't want you anywhere near him." To his surprise she didn't argue about that.

"We need a plan though, and two heads are better than one. I'll make some tea."

Lucien smiled at that. Nothing could ever be discussed without tea. Jean took his whisky glass with her as she headed to the kitchen, and he had to admit she had a point. This was a moment to think clearly.

As they sipped their tea, they talked through his plan; how to persuade Derek that he was serious in his refusal to rejoin the Service. If they met somewhere public it should be safe enough, but he would be taking his gun anyway. Who knew what Alderton's state of mind might be when he discovered Mei Lin had told Lucien everything?

Lucien glanced across at Jean and saw the change in her. True, she hadn't slept last night and her hair had come unpinned, but she was lovely in his eyes. His decision to be with Jean had done this. The grief she had carried for the last few weeks was gone, and the tension in her face had been replaced by the beauty of confidence - confidence in a future for them, somehow.

Beauty for ashes. Hope instead of despair.

He wondered if he should finish the talk they had started before Mei Lin rang him, but it didn't seem so pressing now. Jean's whole manner told him how she felt about it, and right now they were both too tired.

"We should both get some sleep," Lucien said, eventually. "Before Charlie gets up."

They looked at each other and Jean's eyes slid towards the living room. He nodded agreement, and so, when Charlie came to breakfast, they were just waking on the couch, Jean's head on his shoulder as they sat together, and their hands intertwined, at the start of one of the the most important days of their lives.

At least they were facing it together.


End file.
